I've come to terms with the fact that I won't ever be the Surfer Boy's number one priority, but that doesn't mean I need to be particularily happy about it. I admit that at first, I was absolutely overjoyed that I wasn't going to have someone up my ass 24 hours a day, seven days a week but now I can't help but feel slightly neglected. I brought up the topic recently after a catastrophe of a week which involved him blowing me and my awesome home cooking off and then me going out with friends the following night (which according to him was a revenge move on my part). His response was simply that he had "warned" me about this when we first met and that it was something that wasn't ever going to change. Looking back, I do vividly remember the conversation but I also recall convincing myself that my amazingness would win over anything, even his passion for surfing. It was a mixture of ego, the thrill of a new pursuit, and just plain stupidy that made me come up with that idea and now I'm starting to kick myself for it.
Lately I've been comparing how things are going with this new relationship with how things were with Christian, and it really makes me wonder if things would have rebounded with him for the better had we stayed in touch and merely took a "break". There were issues that he and I both needed to work on seperately, and I'm curious if things would have gotten back on track in a positive light once we both got out shit together. Things with him were so easy to relate to, from music to common friends and from family issues to our goals, but in the alcohol and weed haze things became harder and harder to see eye to eye to. Now that the clouded judgement is gone, would things been any better?
I look where I am now and I feel a little bit like I was being haphazardly dragged from one place to another, at times made to feel inadequate, and am now looking to start a new life in another country with someone who has no real sense of responsibility or stability. I've been floating in and out of strong feelings for him, but I'm not too certain if it's for him as a whole or his easy, breezy outlook on life. And while I'm acknowledging it to myself, I have yet to breathe a word to him about it because I feel almost a hundred percent certain that it's not reciprocated and it will leave us in an awkward place where I feel exposed and he feels put-upon or pressured. Re-reading that sentence makes me wish I was instead writing about how enthused or special he would feel. And now typing that makes me think I might just be wasting my time with him.
