I've come to terms with the fact that I won't ever be the Surfer Boy's number one priority, but that doesn't mean I need to be particularily happy about it. I admit that at first, I was absolutely overjoyed that I wasn't going to have someone up my ass 24 hours a day, seven days a week but now I can't help but feel slightly neglected. I brought up the topic recently after a catastrophe of a week which involved him blowing me and my awesome home cooking off and then me going out with friends the following night (which according to him was a revenge move on my part). His response was simply that he had "warned" me about this when we first met and that it was something that wasn't ever going to change. Looking back, I do vividly remember the conversation but I also recall convincing myself that my amazingness would win over anything, even his passion for surfing. It was a mixture of ego, the thrill of a new pursuit, and just plain stupidy that made me come up with that idea and now I'm starting to kick myself for it.
Lately I've been comparing how things are going with this new relationship with how things were with Christian, and it really makes me wonder if things would have rebounded with him for the better had we stayed in touch and merely took a "break". There were issues that he and I both needed to work on seperately, and I'm curious if things would have gotten back on track in a positive light once we both got out shit together. Things with him were so easy to relate to, from music to common friends and from family issues to our goals, but in the alcohol and weed haze things became harder and harder to see eye to eye to. Now that the clouded judgement is gone, would things been any better?
I look where I am now and I feel a little bit like I was being haphazardly dragged from one place to another, at times made to feel inadequate, and am now looking to start a new life in another country with someone who has no real sense of responsibility or stability. I've been floating in and out of strong feelings for him, but I'm not too certain if it's for him as a whole or his easy, breezy outlook on life. And while I'm acknowledging it to myself, I have yet to breathe a word to him about it because I feel almost a hundred percent certain that it's not reciprocated and it will leave us in an awkward place where I feel exposed and he feels put-upon or pressured. Re-reading that sentence makes me wish I was instead writing about how enthused or special he would feel. And now typing that makes me think I might just be wasting my time with him.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
A Change of Scenery Changes Nothing
Independent Samantha started off 2011 with a bang and two declarations: "What are you gonna do? FIRE ME?!" and that this year is the Year of No Bullshit. So far, both have gotten me mentally leaps and bounds ahead of where I was before along with finally giving me the satisfaction of not being taken advantage of either professionally or relationship-wise. I've gotten comfortable in my own skin, played by my own rules, and beat to the sound of my own drum.
So you can imagine my surprise when I was accused of being "dependent" on my parents by the seemingly constant couch-surfing Surfer.
While in between apartments I'd stayed with him several nights at his place, but then suddenly got uprooted to another place due to his now ex-roommate venturing off the deep end into axe-murderer status. I gave the new place a shot, but after one night of doing things vagabond-style, I soon found the comforts of my parent's place more appealing and was lured in on Tuesday night with home cooked dinner and a room to myself. Wednesday morning started with rather paranoid texts from him asking if I needed "a break" from him to which I stated that I wasn't, but that crashing in someone else's house who I don't know may be an acceptable route for him and his lifestyle, but it's not my cup of tea. I'm not a nomad nor am I wishing to be one in the near future; I appreciate some degree of stability. Que the response of calling me everything short of a spoiled baby and making me feel as though that one night at home was a prophetic sign of things to come. After discussing the issue I decided to give the other place one last shot, mostly in hopes of proving to him my lack of dependency.
As I'm lying in bed last night it struck me how hypocritical the entire situation was. Staying at my parent's paints me as dependent, but staying at someone else's place doesn't. Am I not seeking the exact same thing at each place? How does a change of scenery alter the perception of me when the needs haven't changed? And most of all, why in God's name do I feel the need to defend or answer to anyone but myself? What I do know for certain is that I need to apply my declaration of No Bullshit and do what's best for Samantha and Samantha only before I fall into the trap I so haphazardly wandered into in the last pointless relationships and think of myself first.
Home cooked meals here I come.
So you can imagine my surprise when I was accused of being "dependent" on my parents by the seemingly constant couch-surfing Surfer.
While in between apartments I'd stayed with him several nights at his place, but then suddenly got uprooted to another place due to his now ex-roommate venturing off the deep end into axe-murderer status. I gave the new place a shot, but after one night of doing things vagabond-style, I soon found the comforts of my parent's place more appealing and was lured in on Tuesday night with home cooked dinner and a room to myself. Wednesday morning started with rather paranoid texts from him asking if I needed "a break" from him to which I stated that I wasn't, but that crashing in someone else's house who I don't know may be an acceptable route for him and his lifestyle, but it's not my cup of tea. I'm not a nomad nor am I wishing to be one in the near future; I appreciate some degree of stability. Que the response of calling me everything short of a spoiled baby and making me feel as though that one night at home was a prophetic sign of things to come. After discussing the issue I decided to give the other place one last shot, mostly in hopes of proving to him my lack of dependency.
As I'm lying in bed last night it struck me how hypocritical the entire situation was. Staying at my parent's paints me as dependent, but staying at someone else's place doesn't. Am I not seeking the exact same thing at each place? How does a change of scenery alter the perception of me when the needs haven't changed? And most of all, why in God's name do I feel the need to defend or answer to anyone but myself? What I do know for certain is that I need to apply my declaration of No Bullshit and do what's best for Samantha and Samantha only before I fall into the trap I so haphazardly wandered into in the last pointless relationships and think of myself first.
Home cooked meals here I come.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Let the introduction begin...
After succumbing to peer pressure from my other half, Ashley Elizabeth, a revamping of my blog was in order due to a revamping of my life. It's amazing what getting rid of 200lbs of lazy, useless, and lame does to a girl.
Since flinging my ex to the wayside in January I've been steadily moving upwards towards the life that I want to lead and enjoying the happiness that comes each day. Sure, there have been some obstacles along the way, whether it was being broke due to taking over all the finances when I booted him out or Tom Brady getting me once again with his evilness and making me fracture my ankle. But it's all been a huge learning experience and I'll stick to the old adage that 'everything happens for reason'. It made me realize who my truest of true friends are, how incredibly self-reliant I am, and pinpointed exactly what I did wrong in the past in order not to make the same mistakes in the future.
I tried desperately not get wrapped up in anyone else after the whole ex-boyfriend debaccle; I dated, flirted, bounced between guys but not between their bedsheets, and then he came along. I was absolutely doubtful any sort of seriousness happening and so for the first time ever, I strolled into our first date as pure, unfiltered Samantha figuring 'what the hell do I have to lose'. And then there was a second date.
And then a third.
And now a month later I've entered into girlfriend territory.
Everyone uses the "oh but he's different" excuse to justify getting into relationships once they've sworn them off over being scorned by exes, but I'm not going to use that. In my case, it's me who's different. I haven't compromised an ounce of myself, my ideals, my values, my goals, nothing. There's been no morphing going on like in the past where getting high and watching Robot Chicken sounded like a great idea or gallivanting with yuppies in Connecticut and discussing Nautica swimwear was the highlight of my day. I don't have to bite my tongue or stop myself from saying things because either there's nothing to contend or my opinion is truly wanted. There's a new level of comfort in being able to totally be myself without worrying about being judged.
I promise that this blog isn't going to turn into The Adventures of Samantha and the Surfer, but will instead showcase my absolute charm and wit completely unfiltered and uncompromised. Prepare yourself.
Since flinging my ex to the wayside in January I've been steadily moving upwards towards the life that I want to lead and enjoying the happiness that comes each day. Sure, there have been some obstacles along the way, whether it was being broke due to taking over all the finances when I booted him out or Tom Brady getting me once again with his evilness and making me fracture my ankle. But it's all been a huge learning experience and I'll stick to the old adage that 'everything happens for reason'. It made me realize who my truest of true friends are, how incredibly self-reliant I am, and pinpointed exactly what I did wrong in the past in order not to make the same mistakes in the future.
I tried desperately not get wrapped up in anyone else after the whole ex-boyfriend debaccle; I dated, flirted, bounced between guys but not between their bedsheets, and then he came along. I was absolutely doubtful any sort of seriousness happening and so for the first time ever, I strolled into our first date as pure, unfiltered Samantha figuring 'what the hell do I have to lose'. And then there was a second date.
And then a third.
And now a month later I've entered into girlfriend territory.
Everyone uses the "oh but he's different" excuse to justify getting into relationships once they've sworn them off over being scorned by exes, but I'm not going to use that. In my case, it's me who's different. I haven't compromised an ounce of myself, my ideals, my values, my goals, nothing. There's been no morphing going on like in the past where getting high and watching Robot Chicken sounded like a great idea or gallivanting with yuppies in Connecticut and discussing Nautica swimwear was the highlight of my day. I don't have to bite my tongue or stop myself from saying things because either there's nothing to contend or my opinion is truly wanted. There's a new level of comfort in being able to totally be myself without worrying about being judged.
I promise that this blog isn't going to turn into The Adventures of Samantha and the Surfer, but will instead showcase my absolute charm and wit completely unfiltered and uncompromised. Prepare yourself.
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